滿以為很瞭解你因為

跟你這樣朝夕相對呼吸相連

已經三年零十個月了

我的姓名、性別、履歷和理想

通通分類存檔並且定期更新

任滑鼠隨時進入或下載

你都給我無限寬容或寬頻

遊歷於上下合縱左右連橫的空間

你輕盈的樂聲總吻合我跳躍的舞步

跳出情感互動的一片藍幕

(藍幕的下角有青草

上角有小花和恐龍)

原以為可以和你白頭到老永結同心

一如酒樓菜牌上紅底金字的承諾

但原來你也有背叛的時刻

偷偷跟旁人搭訕然後搭線而且

還很小心地讓我讀到你們的情話與暗碼

於是我開始猜疑你花亂而閃爍的面容

暴力敲打鍵盤上每個凹凸可疑的指模

或用苦纏的動作拉扯已經鬆脫的電線

期求你不再板起冷漠的凝視

對我輸入的話語不聞不問

或隨意亂碼顧左右而言他

甚至突然自動關機從此不再跟我會面

是的 沒有受過專業訓練的我

並不能熟練地操作戀愛的各種程式

——密碼錯誤，請重新輸入

  (你說過會一輩子待我好

無論我們是什麼但那

    「什麼」到底是什麼?)

——程式偏差，無法存檔

  (我們曾經一起吃飯的

那間茶餐廳因為

  樓宇遷拆而倒閉了)

——網頁無法啟動，請稍候

  (當我打算在你的電子郵箱留下

  口訊時你剛巧致電到我的傳真機

  彼此的網絡因為佔線而阻斷)

——線路繁忙，請按Refresh 按下去突然一屋暗燈

牆壁發出陣陣燒焦的惡臭

當神經線錯接電腦系統時才發現

自己原來是個電腦與愛情白痴

——「懂得愛戀自己的人才得享永生!」

上帝(如果有的話)也禁不住竊笑然後搖頭嘆息

為我這句史無前例的盟誓
translation

I thought I knew you because

all night and day our breath mingles together

for three years and ten months

my name, gender, resumé, and ideas

have been classified as files and updated at the set time

entered or downloaded according to the mouse

you’ve given me unlimited broadmindedness and broadband

to traverse the up/down left/right horizontal/vertical space 

your lovely musical voice accompanies my dancing

your blue screen quits out of emotional interactions

(there’s grass in the lower corner of the screen

in the upper corner there are tiny flowers and dinosaurs)

I used to think we would grow old together

like in the promises of a red and gold menu

but you’ve had your moments of betrayal

secretly conversing with others and making contacts

but also carefully letting me read your intimate notes and codes

until I began to suspect your unruly flickering face

pounding the keyboard with all my suspicious fingers

or bitterly pulling on the loose cords

I pray you won’t ever stare blankly at me again

ignoring every word I type

or casually change the subject to code

until you suddenly shut down and refuse to see me

yes, since I have no special training

I can’t just skillfully make various attachments

——Wrong password, please try again

(you said you would wait for me your whole life

no matter what but what does that

“what” really mean?)

——ERROR, your file has not been saved

(we used to eat together

but that café closed

when the building was torn down)

——This page cannot be opened, please try again in a moment

(just as I planned to send you an email

you sent a message to my fax machine

and with the line busy, neither one could go through)

——The line is currently busy, please refresh the page

and when I refresh it things suddenly go dark

the wall lets off an acrid stench of burning

and when I mistakenly connect my nerves to the system I realize

I was an idiot when it came to computers and love

——“Only those who understand love will live forever!”

even God (if there is) has to snicker and sigh

over this unprecedented oath of alliance.

洛楓 (Lok Fung) is our Poet in Resident for June. These poems are from the book 自我紙盒藏屍的日子 (Days When I Hide My Corpse
In A Cardboard Box), Zephyr Press, 2018, translated from the Chinese by Eleanor Goodman


Previously: 即溶愛情咖啡 (Instant Love and Coffee), and 愛上虛擬情人 (In Love with a Virtual Lover)