Every Friday, Cienna Madrid offers solutions to life’s most vexing literary problems. Do you need a book recommendation to send your worst cousin on her birthday? Is it okay to read erotica on public transit? Cienna can help. Send your questions to advice@seattlereviewofbooks.com.

Cienna,

How would you feel about foot binding for men for a few decades until we equal out the gender disparity? At least they couldn't run very far when we #metoo them.

Just a little pissed still, Ballard

Dear JLPS,

Nice visual but I like my men to be able to run when I scream for them, not hobble like foundered goats.

I understand your ire. You could obsessively focus on the 12-47 percent of our population who believe women should be kept in a box, have warranties, and if a baby a year doesn't explode from their nether fountains – or worse, if their fountains dry up – their lady parts should be recycled into yummy treats for clever hunting dogs.

But where will that get you besides bankrupt on foot bindings and eventually locked in a size 12 cage in a shithole farm outside an ironically named town like Ritzville, Idaho?

Nowhere, that's where.

Instead, I suggest you channel your frustrations into something productive – like volunteering to help me patent various spider-related inventions because, let me tell you, hot sauce is but the TIP OF THE ICEBERG. Imagine if women could spit venom when provoked?! IMAGINE.

kisses,

Cienna